in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
