Please don't use social media to get back at me.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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