I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
