best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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