Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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