I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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