shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
