So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
