Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
