My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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