Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
