dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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