He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
