toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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