You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
