Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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