I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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