The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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