dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
