Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
