my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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