i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
