A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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