help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
