I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize