I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
