why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
