You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
