my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
