they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
