Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
