you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
