i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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