Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
