I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
