i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
