you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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