I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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