I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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