I feel great
I just peed on a car
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
