And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
