i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
