Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
