I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there was a trapeze. enough said
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
