i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
