Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
3pm strippers are depressing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
