theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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