How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
