The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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