i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
