I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
